substitute threats

I've got a big mouth.  As do my students.

{I know that was lame segue, but I had this picture and I have these stories.  My pictures usually don't relate to my text at all, so it was an attempt.  Let's just agree to move on.}

I had my first substitute Tuesday and was relieved to return to minor, not major, chaos.  The substitute left excellent notes and it seemed like my students got their work done.  But then there was this conversation during fourth period...

Students: "The substitute told us she had a fifth-degree black belt."
Me: "Huh."
Students: "But we were like, 'Well, our teacher could still beat you up.'  She said no way, but we were like, 'No.  She definitely could beat you up."
Me: "You thought it was wise to threaten the sub?"
Students: "I don't get how she had a black belt cause she wasn't, like...you know."
Me: "No, I don't know.  I've never met her."
Students: "She wasn't, like...fit."
Me: "I'm assuming you didn't relay your observation?"
Students: "Nope."
Me: "Well, okay then."

And then yesterday:

Me: "In what ways does Simon parallel the biblical Christ?" (I say, "biblical Christ" as if my students aren't 90% Mormon and don't know who he is).
Students: "So when are you going to start popping out chittluns?" (chittluns=babies)
Me: "Um. Not any time soon."
Students: "We want to see your babies."
Me: "Well, you may be out of luck."
Students: "Are you sure you aren't pregnant?"
Me: Clutching my stomach, "What are you trying to say?"
Students: "We had this teacher once and she started looking kind of pregnant but we didn't want to be rude so we tried, like, tricking her into admitting she was pregnant."
Me: "You don't care about being rude now?"
Students: "We'll come find you someday to see your babies."
Me: "You're quickly crossing over from rude to creepy."
Students: "Can we just take naps today?  Like instead of working?"
Me: "No.  Now, back to Lord of the Flies."