student thesaurus

With students, and people in general, there's often a clash between what's said and what's meant.  The following is an abridged student/teacher thesaurus.  

"So...you, like, actually read for fun?" = "You're a decrepit loser and if you weren't my teacher I would openly mock you."

"Can I go to the bathroom?" = "Can I wander the halls for 15-20 minutes under the guise of bowel issues?"

"Can I go get a drink?" = "There's no way in hell I'm going to do the assignment you just gave us."

"I actually learned something today." = "Normally this class is an abysmal waste of time."

"You know you love us." = "Please don't email my parents about the inappropriate joke I just told."

"It wasn't me." = "It was totally me."

"I was sick last time." = "We both know I ditched your class, but it will be less awkward if we pretend my absence wasn't a direct commentary on your teaching."

"I think you're really going to like this." = "My literary analysis is actually a story about ninjas."