Thursday, April 10

I have letters in my head, waiting for instruction.  I picture them there, like alphabet soup.  I hope they can arrange themselves because I have been positively inebriated with writer's block for months (that was hyperbolic- it's been days only).

I am going to publish this (whatever it is) even if it is directionless piece of drivel.  As author Sherman Alexie eloquently stated on twitter, "Write a lot of shit today, pray for less shit tomorrow."

And now I begin:

I wish I had a transcript of all the thoughts in my head two minutes prior to falling asleep.  As the conscious and unconscious meet, stretching out their hands, I have slippery thoughts that feel, somehow, big.

It's quite possible that these thoughts feel significant only because I'm in a state akin to a anesthesia.  Maybe I'm thinking popcorn sounds good, and my addled consciousness doesn't know what to do but applaud and pretend the thought is deeply revolutionary.  Maybe my fleeting thoughts are more desperate.  Someone needs to tell LeBron not to wear a Pharrell hat.  Someone needs to tell Pharrell not to wear a Pharrell hat.  And why don't people eat pizza for breakfast?

But what if I really figure things out in those fading minutes?  What if I am a genius writer, but only in two minute spurts, and right before sleep?

Whatever happens in my head before sleep, it's replaced when I wake up with checklists.

I am adding to my checklist: be less checklist-y.

It's spring break and even now I create unnecessary lists in my head.  Gym, protein, nap (I schedule these, in my head!), dishes, grading, reading, basketball.

On Tuesday I even scheduled: eat strawberries and read on the porch at five.  I did it, too, and it was lovely.  But shouldn't that be something one does on a whim?

I'm sure it's obvious, but this post has gotten away from me.  It was away from me within the first line.

What was it Sherman said?  Pray for less shit tomorrow?  Amen to that.

Maybe I'll break routine and spontaneously write tomorrow.  Around ten(ish)?  Scheduled spontaneity may be as good as it gets with me.


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