Monday, January 21

preemptive peeing

This is a post about urine.  I just want to make that clear upfront.

On average, I pee 1-2 times an hour.  This may be because my bladder has shrunk in recent years, or because I carry around a massive water bottle and drink like it's my job [drink the water, not drink drink].  I teach for 80 minute periods and, without fail, am ready to sprint to the bathroom by the end.  In fact, I've taken to coaching myself silently: keep it together.  Don't hold your crotch while you teach. But really, that would make everyone terribly uncomfortable and could probably get you fired.  I said DON'T HOLD YOUR CROTCH.  

The worst is when I'm about to run to the bathroom [which, by the way, is half a mile away from my trailer] and a student stops by to get help.  I'm happy to see students, even happier when they come to get help, but know that when on the verge of wetting myself I'm operating with half a brain.  So sometimes my advice is less than sage.  One time I actually had to leave mid-help, yelling something like, "I'm terribly sorry but I'm about to pee and that will make this whole encounter way more awkward for both of us!  I'll be right back.  Don't move--I want to help you--I just--wow.  GOT TO PEE!"  I'm sure I could have came up with a less awkward getaway but, like I said, I only had half a brain at my disposal.

Anyway, it's been cold lately so the trip from trailer to school building has become more of a thing.  Like, I really have to gear up for the expedition.  And, if I take even a sip of water, within 35 minutes the need to pee is overwhelming.  I'll be sitting in my trailer planning lessons when, out of nowhere, I realize I have approximately 50 seconds before I'm going pee.  Sometimes I think my bladder is just a vindictive little shit so I'll be like, not now, you little attention seeker.  And then I try to mentally overcome the need to urinate.
Me: I'm stronger than you, bladder.  You think you can dictate my life?  Well, I AM IGNORING YOU.  Suck on that.  
But, then I start to squirm and realize I just can't win.  So I take another trip to the bathroom while muttering, Oh for the love.

The most annoying time my urinary needs strike is when I'm in bed on the brink of unconsciousness.  Even if I don't have to pee, I pee right before I climb into bed because I have become familiar with the kind of stunts my body likes to pull.  So I pee and then curl up in bed foolishly thinking tonight, that trip to the bathroom will be enough.  Tonight will be different.  But, regardless of my preemptive peeing, as soon as I start to doze, I simultaneously really have to pee.

And this is really all I have to tell you.  I think this post speaks for the trauma my bladder has put me through.  Like, it drove me crazy enough to post about it.

Also, I'm not pregnant.  This was not a twisted baby announcement.


1 comment:

  1. Hahaha I hate that I can't go pee at any given time in my classroom. My bladder has become so well trained.
    Oh, Just Living the Dream